What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
13.06.2025 00:34
I couldn’t, believe it.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
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My life is so biszare .
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
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Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Ive learnt so much.
Do women like watching men sucking men?
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
And i lived it daily.
Im still living with it.
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I have no regrets .
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
He knew the spot.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Why do atheists want to see God so badly?
I will be 64.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
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I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
So, i spoilt her more .
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
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Especially a lifetime of it.
Was to survive, this bastard.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
What did i know ?
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
What is every dictators biggest fear?
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
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But it wasn’t much.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I never cut or harmed myself..
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I could never make a relationship work though!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
One cannot live in the past .
And who doesn’t know suffering?
On the 31st of Jan this month .
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I write beautiful poetry .
I don,t even have a pension.
We all went to grammer schools
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
It was going to be , some day.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I think the readers, may guess!
He resisted the act ,that day.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
(And it was in our own minds.)
I was scared of men, in general
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Who then, do I blame.?
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
So whats the point in blame.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Put me off passion for life!!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Would this be the day?
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Why did i forgive my father ?
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Comes on , in middle age.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
She married twice! .
All the time i was locked up.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I said to her
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
My family never makes their pension either.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
She found it foreign!.
When she asked me how she looked .
I was seconnd youngest,
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I waited trembling.
She loved him until the end.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I was very sick at this time too.
I was 9 years of age.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
We were not on the streets..
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
She wouldn,t have been !
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
She was in good health!
But ive been too sick for many years..
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
But, we were locked up after school.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
This is soul school!.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
As i do to all so called friends.?
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)